February Quote of the Month: "He who does not remember the past is doomed
to repeat it." Famous Old Saying
"He who doesn't remember the past probably drank too much, and he who does
remember is probably going to repeat it anyway." Grumpy Old Author
March Question of the Month: If blue skies are cheerful, then why do you say you're feeling blue when you're depressed?
March Quote of the Month: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx.
"Inside a whale, too." Jonah.
April Question of the Month: For how long of a second is it
*exactly* noon or midnight? (Careful, even though I post this on April Fools
Day, this is not a trick question)
April Quote of the Month: "A book is like an XBox but better." Anonymous lad.
May Question of the Month: Why is it (and whoever decided) that green is the universal color for go and red for stop?
May Quote of the Month: ""I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound and stab us." Franz Kafka
"We should only buy kitchen knives that have short stories etched on them."
Famous author, surfer and adventurer extraordinaire, Richard Lewis
JuneQuestion of the Month: Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
June quote of the Month: "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, That's not going to happen." Anonymous
July question of the month: Why does a slight tax increase cost me over a hundred bucks and a substantial tax cut save me ninety five cents?
July quote of the Month: "Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again." Anonymous
August Question of the Month: Why in movies do people in a hurry find a parking space right where they need it, but I have to go around the block five times?
August Quote of the Month: "Harry Potter fans, take note: In infinite universe, anything that could happen must happen, and anything that could exist must exist."
Richard Lewis, aka me
August Freebie: Did you know that if you try real hard, you can sure sweat a lot?
(Did you know that September is National Paranoia Month? You did? My God, who told you?)
September Question of the Month: Why is the need to go to the toilet always inversely proportional to the distance to the closest bathroom?
September Quote of the Month: "Credo Elvem etiam vivere (translation: I believe Elvis lives)."
Julius Caesar
(Did you know that the best cure for insomnia is sleep?)
October Question of the Month: When sheep herders count their sheep, do they fall asleep?
October Quote of the Month: "These days, teach a man how to read a few words, and next you know, he thinks he can write a bestseller." Anonymous
November Question of the Month: Have you ever thought, when you're stuck in late afternoon traffic, why they call it rush hour?
November Quote of the Month: "A metaphor is like a simile." Anonymous
December:
"Cleanliness is next to Godliness."
Whereas, cleaning up my office would be hell.
(Did you know that a cheap and easy way to sterilize water is to fill a clear plastic bottle and let it sit in the sun for eight hours? Of course, this would be a problem in Seattle)
December Question of the Month: What the heck ever happened to November?
December Quote of the Month: "I don't want to live on through my work. I want to live on by not dying." Woody Allen
JANUARY 2008
The road less traveled by often leads to the swamp. Which is why it is less traveled by.
(Did you know that if you're irreplaceable then you are not promotable? However, you would not also not be divorceable.)
January Question of the Month: So, what do you want to be, promotable or divorceable?
January Quote of the Month: "To sin is human. To forgive is against government policy." Famous author Richard Lewis, adapted from anonymous.
February
Don't put all your eggs in one basket--make an omelette first.
February Question of the Month: What should you do if you see an endangered
animal eating an endangered plant?
February Quote of the Month: "35.86 up 0.35 as of 4:49 pm ET on 1/30/2008" New York Stock Exchange on Viacom, parent company of Simon and Schuster, publishers of THE KILLING SEA and THE DEMON QUEEN
A writing tip freebie: Avoid cliches like the plague (I tried reading Shakespeare's
Collected Works once but tossed it aside--too many cliches)
MARCH
MARCH SPECIAL FOCUS: MONEY
"I know money can't buy happiness, Dad, but it sure makes me feel better" A certain son of a certain writer
A safe way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket -- Frank Hubbard
It is very easy to return from a casino with a small fortune; go there with a large one -- Jack Yelton
If you lend someone twenty dollars, and you never see him again, it was probably worth it -- anonymous
Oh, and by the way, when I was at Wit's End, Wyoming, I met a man from Moot Point, Minnesota. He told me not to worry, as nothing really mattered.
APRIL
APRIL QUESTION OF THE MONTH:
If somebody tells you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put in your two cents' worth, do you get change?
APRIL QUOTE OF THE MONTH:
Half the people in the world are below average.
****
And for you writers and academics, remember that if you steal ideas from one person, it's plagiarism, but if you steal from many, it's research.
MAY
(BELATED) MAY QUESTION OF THE MONTH:
How much can you get away with and still go to heaven?
MAY QUOTE OF THE MONTH:
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
And for you writers, remember to eschew superfluous verbiage that is not really needed or even necessary to what you wish to say and state.
JUNE
Vows on writing:
1. When I send my character out for a walk at 3 a.m. I will not have her stop and contemplate a dog turd as a metaphor for life. A dog turd is just a dog turd.
2. I will never ever have my characters go to Starbucks. Instead, my meaningful scenes will occur where caffeine is nowhere to be found.
3. No one in my novels will roll their eyes – unless, of course, they are artificial eyes, and are used to play marbles.
4. Not a single character in my novels will smirk or simper.
5. I will avoid cliches like the plague. Instead, I will reuse them, as in:
"He's as pure as the driven slush."
"My wife went to the sales, and now she's spent all out out shape."
"That which doesn't kill you can make you wish it had."
"You lie like a sleeping dog."
JULY
JULY QUOTE OF THE MONTH:
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
JULY QUESTION OF THE MONTH:
If you try to fail, and succeed, then have you succeeded or failed?
AUGUST QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH:
To be or not to be? --Shakespeare
Two bees or not two bees? --Noah (he'd been badly stung as a boy)
AUGUST QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Do be do be do -- Frank Sinatra
(Clearly my wit is lacking this month. I'm sorry. There's little I can do about it.)
SEPTEMBER
September Ecological Concern
WHY WE NEED TO BAN THE NASTY CHEMICAL DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE*:
It is a major component of acid rain
It eventually dissolves almost all things
It can kill if accidentally inhaled
It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
It has been found in deadly cancerous tumors
Of course, if dihydrogen monoxide (were banned, you'd get very very thirsty and soon die (dihydrogen = 2 Hs, monoxide = 1 O)us
*(from a study by Nathan Zohner)
NOVEMBER
I'm sorry I missed October. I was in Amnesia, the country above Indonesia, you get there via a Bump on the Head.
Cool new cover from Year 6 boys at Cranbrook Junior School, Bellevue, NSW Australia:
REST OF EVERYTHING UNTIL JUNE, 2009
Good grief, is it 2009 already? I'm still working on my 2008 New Year's Resolutions, which included monthly and timely updates of this web site.
But stay tuned! Wonderful stuff will happen! I will reveal all! (Did you know that fire-breathing dragons live amidst us as seemingly normal human beings? Did you know that if you do your math right, you can in fact prove that 0 = 1?) My daughter is doing a magic card trick right now for me as I type this and I've already forgotten the card I chose so she has to do it over again and is upset with me, and is ordering me to type down the card, which is seven of hearts -- a minute later -- she is really upset with me because the trick didn't work and she is insisting I forgot the card, which is a distinct possibility. Now she's upset I'm writing this, telling me not to be so dramatic. "All you writers are alike," she complains, as if she is surrounded by us writers.